I don’t even know where to start. Unforgiveness was in my other plan I read this morning. It’s a theme that’s been heavy on my heart. I know there are people, situations, myself that I need to forgive, but I do not even know where to start.
The other day (Thursday), I was told to delete the messages out of my phone that was sent by my friend, but I couldn’t. There is a tie I have with them. I’m not sure what they are, and it very well may be protection. As long as I can remember, as long as I can see it, I can remember not to get too close. I can remind myself not to be too open. I can guard myself from being too vulnerable. And, the reality is this is not just with the friend but with quite a few people and situations.
When the writer asked “what has our heart captured?” or something to that effect, I felt ALL of that! My heart has become a steel trap for rejection, isolation, guilt, shame, failures, disappointments, etc. I can recall most of the pain points throughout my life. But, what I cannot provide are the joyous, celebratory points of my life. I have a hard time recalling those because my heart is so consumed, filled, infested with weeds and dead things AND people. My attitude stinks because things have infiltrated my heart and are rotted. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth/soul speaks” Well my heart speaks death and destruction because my pain has become my identity. It is the shield that keeps me from getting hurt. We have a mutual understanding. It is a part of me and I it.
The problem?! It’s moving/moved into my space. It’s trying to completely take over. It does not want to stay in it’s lane. It wants to consume mine too.
But this marriage has to end! This is a toxic relationship I have with pain! It is literally altering my being, conversations, thoughts. It is LITERALLY destroying me. I have become its prisoner! It is literally abusing me. God, I need OUT of this space! I need this tie broken! All this time I thought it was people, but really it was pain! I’m being dismembered. I’m being disfigured. And, I’m being dissed. THIS HAS GOT TO GO!!! I want a divorce from my pain!