Faith and Mental Health, in My Own Voice, Journey to Healing, Recovering Humanity

Maybe That’s The Problem…

Maybe that’s the real problem. I’m craving the wrong thing. “A relationship would make me feel better. I need a man to complete me, make me feel like a woman” when all I really want… is love.

But, the problem, I don’t crave You anymore. I don’t long for You. There is no hunger or thirst for You or to be in Your presence. It’s not there.

I crave Your cheap substitute like I do with my food. Salmon, asparagus, shrimp, potatoes, and broccoli are not enough. Because even after all of that, I still want junk. Yet, no amount of drinks, cakes, or chips can satisfy the longing I have. But, that’s the problem with cravings. Unless you get what you really want when you want it, it doesn’t go away. And, you only keep filling it with empty stuff until it’s been satisfied.

I’m embarrassed to say that’s where I am now. I guess I’m so love deficient and deprived that I’ve developed a craving for the very thing that keeps tearing me down. I don’t want what’s healthy because it’s not doing anything and taking too long. My soul doesn’t long for You anymore. I don’t have the same drive or motivation to spend time with You. I don’t want to talk to You. I don’t want to come to Your house. I want the quick satisfaction, which means… I don’t want You 😔

You let me get taken advantage of. You let them break my heart. From my biological daddy on down… You let them walk away from me. You let those guys touch me. You let him almost rape me. You let me be used for sex. Because You didn’t put it in me for me to fight for myself. You let them break me. You let them reject me. You gave me this overly sensitive, overly emotional heart, and You let me stay where I should have left.

You allow these women to be so cruel to me. You keep blessing them over and over again despite their mean spirited treatment towards me and others. You keep elevating them, taking them to new places, giving them new opportunities. Meanwhile, I’m still stuck.

I’m trying to follow You. Trying to do the best I can. Trying to be nice. Trying to care. Trying to help others. Trying to give them what I didn’t have. Trying to give them support all while being patient. Yet, I keep getting rejected, knocked down, dismissed, pummeled.

So no. I don’t long for You. You don’t keep your promises. You told me to keep cover under You, and You would reveal to me the one. You said You never fail, so where are these promises?! 😭😭😭

But, maybe that’s the real problem. I’m craving the wrong thing. “A relationship would make me feel better. I need a man to complete me, make me feel like a woman” when all I really want… is love 😔

#Igotquestions #Ineedanswers #quriouschronicles #inmyownvoice

1 thought on “Maybe That’s The Problem…”

  1. I believe this is every black woman’s sob story. BUT, the great thing about stories is that they all have an end; and, when we end one, we are free to start another. Prayerfully, the next story has an happier ending!

    Liked by 1 person

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