A colleague of mine’s therapist told them that they should recreate positive memories on dates where tragedy happened. The therapist told her of the importance of engaging in positive activities, so as to counter the traditional narrative around certain things. I decided to take that approach this weekend.
I really wanted to see the movie Harriet, but that desire was ruined for me, which I will not go into detail how. This would not be the first time a movie was ruined for me, so I was determined not to allow anyone to have that much control over me. I decided I would go and see it and block out the negativity that came along with it. Boy, was I wrong.
There were themes in the movie that were not only major triggers (as it correlated with my personal life), but the atmosphere itself served as one big trigger (who I was with, why I was seeing it now versus a couple weeks prior, etc). I tried to focus hard on the movie telling my mind to “pay attention!” but it didn’t work. With every line that was recited by my movie partner and pre-reactions to upcoming scenes, it made it difficult to ignore the reality of the situation. My traditional movie companions had moved on without me. I was no longer a part. I was on the outside. I was experiencing a new normal.
I got through the movie, but I could tell the seed had been planted. I talked to my movie mate about their experience when they first went, and it only caused that seed to grow. By the time we arrived at our destination, the root had set. But, it did not come out until the next day, well evening.
The next day, I got up to go to church, and the experience was blah. I did not sit in the pulpit. I did not speak to anyone unless I was spoken to, and I tried to stay away from all I could. When it was time to go home, I was exhausted, so I resolved to take a one hour nap.
By hour two, I was awaken by an extreme sore throat and a little voice asking if I was Ok because I had never snored that loud before. By the time hour three came, I knew something was wrong, as I was still tired and could not get out of the bed, my head and throat both throbbing. I knew immediately what that meant. I had stopped breathing while I was asleep again. (Another story for another day.)
I was asked again if I was Ok, and the only response I had was I’m not sure. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know exactly what. All I knew is I was tired. I kept having crazy dreams. And, I was now more irritable than I was before I went to sleep, and wanted even less to be around other people.
By the time the evening came, I was an emotional wreck. I did not want to talk to anyone. (Well, that’s not true. I wanted to make a couple of phone calls, one in particular, and fuss and cuss and go all the way off, but I was afraid of the repercussions.) I stared at my phone becoming more and infuriated by the ignored calls and messages. That’s when I knew I had to disconnect, or I was going to say or do something I would later regret.
I texted a couple of my friends and told them I was unplugging and asked for their prayers. One wanted me to talk, but I was sick of talking. The other just said ok. I deactivated my Facebook, including Messenger, and turned off my phone. I sat and stewed, as the anger inside of me continued to grow. I felt like my head was about to explode. I wanted to go on a Godzilla destroying rage, but I couldn’t. There was a little person who needed me to remain calm. But, the feelings were growing, and they were not going anywhere. Sleep was my only resolve, so I took two puffs (of my inhaler) and went to sleep.
But, it wasn’t much resolve, as the dream was filled with characters from when I was awake, and the plot made no sense except to anger me. I woke up confused, pissed off, and frustrated, yet I had to find a way to push through because it was Monday, and the little one had to get to school. I took several deep breaths, two more puffs, and we headed out the door.
I stayed quiet so as not to upset her with my usual fussing raids, and eventually, the sound of the rain and smooth ride put her to sleep. Alone I was left in the car with my thoughts thinking how I never should have went to see that STUPID movie, for it triggered the shame, the pain, and rejection I felt that now only adds to the already piling levels of heartbreak. I was now journeying alone. Life was moving for others who no longer wanted me to be a part, but I was stuck in place. (Now, so I’m clear, the movie was good. It was just not good for me.)
I never should have went to see Harriett. I should have seen something else if the movies is what I wanted to do. Then maybe I could have remained in the light a little longer because now, once again, I’m in darkness. Left staring at the shattered pieces of my heart. Wondering where or how do I even begin to put them back together. And, at this point, is it even worth it?
#quriouschronicles #beautifulcries #clergyandmentalhealth #twoforone