Faith and Mental Health, Faith and Suicide, in My Own Voice, Journey to Healing, Recovering Humanity, Thorn In My Side

In My Own Voice

I was about 19 years old when it started.

I was home from college sitting on my bed watching the ceiling fan spin.

Something was off that night.

I had gotten into an argument with my parents.

I was extremely angry,

Mostly hurt, and I just wanted the pain to stop.

(Little did I know how much that desire would later haunt me.)

As I sat on the edge of the bed, dazed and confused,

I heard a voice say clearly

“Kill yourself”

Shocked and amazed, I brushed it off

But, the voice returned and said “Hang Yourself from the fan”

Before I could respond, another voice said

“If you hang yourself from the fan, I’ll just make it fall”

The other voice responded “Fine. Then go in the bathroom and drink bleach and take some medication.”

“If you drink it, I’ll make you throw it up.”

The conversation continued “Get a knife and cut your wrist.”

And, yet the other voice responded

“If you cut yourself, I won’t let you bleed out enough for anything to happen.”


I felt like I was in the middle of a war between good and evil,

But, I was the “prize”

I sat on the bed in tears.

I didn’t want to kill myself.

I valued my life.

Why was this happening to me?!

What was going on?!

How do I make it stop?!

Too afraid of myself to move,

I fell over on the bed, curled up in a ball, and cried myself to sleep.

Little did I know,

This would be the first of many dark nights that I would not experience until later in life.

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